We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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