I wish you could order shots online.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?