Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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