the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
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my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
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Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.