so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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