i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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