I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
