Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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