I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
