i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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