i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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