Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
