my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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