At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
