I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
