Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
try to milk me bitch
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
