I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
