I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
