That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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