Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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