I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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