I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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