When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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