My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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