All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
