my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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