Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
