using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
