Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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