I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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