Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
