the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
