He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
