can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
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