I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
