You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
