***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
