There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
