I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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