i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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