May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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