Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
