I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just want nice things and good sex
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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