My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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