It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
