What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
