mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
