I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
His nipple licking is glorious
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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