I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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