believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
