Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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