Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
