I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
