I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
