Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
