The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
