If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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