the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
