so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
