Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
