I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I can text with my tongue
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
