is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
